First-World Problems
by Andrew Meblin
Charmin
If you are old enough, you might recall Mr. Whipple, famous (back then) for admonishing customers to, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.” The advertisements ran from 1964 to 1985, an eon compared to ad campaigns of the now. The commercials were declared in the top 100 advertising campaigns of the 20th century, by Advertising Age magazine.
Mr. (George) Whipple, played by sit-com actor Dick Wilson, was the main character in 500 or so commercials, sometimes joined by Jimmy, featuring a young Adam Savage, of MythBusters fame. After a brief reprise in 1999, Charmin maker Proctor and Gamble retired Mr. Whipple for good, presenting Dick Wilson with a lifetime achievement award (and I hope a few million in a Grand Cayman bank account).
Mr. Whipple was replaced by the Charmin bear, which I interpret as an homage to the 1970’s phrase, “Does the bear shit in the woods?” The commercial was named “Call of Nature,” supporting my interpretation, so there. The bear family grew with cubs, who, if I recall correctly, actually wiped their bottoms on TV! One commercial showed bits of tissue stuck on a younger bear’s backside.
The bears had been the mascot, according to one account, to White Cloud toilet paper, which I guess was bought by Proctor and Gamble at some point. When they retired Mr. Whipple, the bears were the perfect candidates to talk about defecation, so the bears switched teams, and got to talk about going potty to a larger audience.
In 2007 the Charmin line was split into two versions; Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong. The strong version was sold in a red-themed wrapper, and the soft came wrapped in blue. Is there a political parable there? You know, blue for Democrats who are soft on crime, and red for Republicans, tough on crime? Probably not, but the bears who championed the two lines were red and blue, respectively. When they were merely reppin’ for Charmin in the generic sense, the bears were brown. Are you sensing any similarity here? The bears became so ingrained into our collective culture, they were used in spoofs.
Regardless, the dilemma was set. Do you want soft tissue or strong tissue? Why can’t we have both? Having never performed a strength/softness test on either, I have no data to support my belief that the only difference may just be the packaging.
And now Charmin has introduced a revolutionary technology in toilet paper with the easier to tear Charmin! I have to admit that, 1) unsatisfactory separation of toilet tissue squares is something I have noticed occurring to me, and 2) unsatisfactory separation of toilet tissue squares is entirely a first-world problem. I doubt the people in Gaza or the survivors in the overrun kibbutzim near Gaza care whether their TP tears evenly.
But here we are, with toilet tissue manufactured with wavy perforations, and I have to report, it tears perfectly.
Thank You For Calling. Your call is very important to us…
Calling a business entity is often a dicey proposition, one guaranteed to irritate and anger, as the simple act of actually getting to speak to a real person is as likely as picking a trifecta; it happens, just not to you. The automated voices might have been designed to sooth you, but as the news anchor on your least favorite cable channel might have a professional-sounding voice, it’s guaranteed to get you pissed off after an hours.
It seems that the goal of the automated systems is to keep you from actually speaking with a live representative. It used to be you got someone in Mumbai who was considered to be a gifted speaker of English, but for many of us with hearing difficulties it sounds like they are speaking in their native tongue. Now, I’m begging for that person to come back. We recently had a splendid (sarcasm) time trying to contact customer service of a large bank to find the location of a branch. It was thirty minutes wasted.
They say:
“Currently all our representatives are busy assisting other callers, however your call is very important to us.”
Meaning:
“We have only four 20-somethings working tonight, two of whom are playing hacky-sack in the hallway, one is in hiding in a toilet stall looking at porn on his phone, and the other one is working her ass off with irate customers who had to hold for thirty darn minutes.”
They say:
“Thank you for your patience.”
Meaning:
“Please don’t even think of talking smack to our representatives ‘cause if you do your call will be mysteriously dropped.”
They say:
“We apologize for the delay.”
Meaning:
“It took nine months for you to be born, waiting for nine hours is nothing.”
They say:
“Your call is very important to us.”
Meaning:
“Hey you, we have hundreds of people waiting on hold, and you’re just one of them, so CHILL!”
They say:
“Please continue to hold and the next available representative will be with you shortly.”
Meaning:
“OK, define ‘shortly’; you can’t, so if you have to wait less than an hour, that is conceivably ‘shortly’ so deal with it.”
Selling One’s Home
Punishment for the homeowner
We moved into the house in Orinda in 1988, when I brought newly born Juliet and Shivon home from the hospital. In 2006 we bought our house in Truckee, and furnished it independently of our Orinda home. This meant either confusion about where a tool or cooking utensil was situated, or purchasing another for the Tahoe-Donner home.
Then in 2019 we sold the Orinda house and moved whatever we didn’t toss or give away to storage or the garage in Truckee. Now were are selling the home in Truckee, and further divestiture is necessary. It is hell selling a home whilst still in residence. When the Orinda home was “on the market,” we had already vacated the premises, and lived in Truckee. Our furniture was out, replaced by some “stager’s” idea of what was ultra-hip furniture, and some ridiculous faux plants supposed to be types of succulents.
We are selling the Tahoe-Donner house furnished, in what’s known as “turnkey” condition. That means furniture, dishes, flatware, cooking utensils and cookware, wall hangings, carpets, cushions, chairs, dressers, couches, a snowblower, and a 75” television all stay with the house. But when the realtor came through with her stager, they decided that some of the furniture was not good enough to remain in the home, and the stager actually replaced cushions with some of her own, added those damned faux succulents, and had us remove the deer antler table decorations. She did, however, use an antler wine bottle holder, sans wine bottles. The empty holder sits on a counter, which just might make people wonder what the heck that is.
I worry that since the house is advertised as coming furnished, people will assume they are getting the cushions and throw rugs featured in the photographs that accompany the listing. Isn’t that false advertising? Alternately, since the stager conceded that the cushions, throw rugs, and fake foliage had been used in other homes she had “staged,” wouldn’t people notice that those same pillows show up all over the neighborhood? Like when you watch a movie and an actor is that guy who played the bad guy in what was that movie, with what’s his name?
Worse, when the house is being shown to prospective buyers, we’re not allowed to have any extraneous crap visible. No soap dispensers next to the sinks, no facial tissue on side-tables or nightstands. People will think we wipe our noses with our sleeves, and we don’t wash our hands. Who would want to buy a home previously owned by slobs?
Again, first world problems.
We bought our house in texas, with “a few things.” By the time the seller asked what we wanted, I told him to leave everything. He loved it as it saved him a ton of moving expenses. Consignment stores around Austin have plenty of great furnishings for pennies. (Don’t tell our furniture buddy, but I hate furniture).