More On Germs
By Andrew Meblin
Apologies Maximus
Due to some objections sternly voiced by legal counsel of the IABB, the International Association of Beneficial Bacteria, I am now compelled to add a disclaimer to any written or spoken communication about germs. To wit, “An abundance of research conducted by world-renowned scientists has provided evidence supporting the case that some germs are beneficial to humans, and many are essential to human life. Remember, not all germs are bad.” [Emphasis in the original]
Mom vs. Germs, Midwestern Style
A person with whom I have been closely associated with for many years, whose name begins with A and ends in Y, related a story about germs that has stuck with me for more than 50 years. It was either in the late 60’s or early 70’s and many people who had been blessed (or cursed) with a proximity to San Francisco and the hip scene of Haight Ashbury, felt a sense of enlightenment that they thought had not yet spread to the rest of the people.
Remember, these were times that some people used drugs for recreational purposes, and in this case, our reporter happened to be trippin’ on acid. And people wore sandals, and (horror of horrors) went barefoot. Men wore their hair long, people wore beads and bangles, and ate bagels and brown rice, and supposedly hippies didn’t bathe. Oh, and don’t forget the ‘free love’ (while supplies last). People shared cigarettes, and joints, and passed hookah mouthpieces, putting our lips where others had placed theirs. That wasn’t the only places we put our lips on! Ewe, gross. The point is germs weren’t scary; they were natural, man, natural.
Our informant was traveling in the middle of America, by car, and happened to stop at a large travel center where gasoline could be purchased, meals eaten, and bodily wastes disposed of. And it was in the bathroom that our reporter, admittedly experiencing the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide at its peak, when a young mothers was accompanying her son on a journey into the women’s bathroom. The boy was a toddler, and after doing his chore in the stall with the mom, they had washed their hands. While the woman tidied up around the sink, the boy began to touch things in the bathroom, as toddlers often want to.
The mother turned to the boy, and bent down, grabbing his shoulders in both her hands, shook him lightly, and said, “No Bobby, don’t touch! GERMS, GERMS!!!”
It was the opinion of the reporter that the child had thus been thoroughly traumatized to the point of becoming a serial killer. I suppose the remainder of the road trip through Indiana was an emotionally fraught period as the germ-neutral hippy dwelled on the horror that rained down on the child.
Germs Everywhere
This brings up some questions I have about germs and the transmission of same through contact with objects in public places, and at home. Some of these you may consider the questions of a madman. If that is you, I refer you to the title of this newsletter, eponymous as it is. So, yeah, mad.
How long do germs last on surfaces before they no longer pose a threat to humans? I know that certain surfaces kill bacteria faster. I certainly appreciate that, given that doorknobs are everywhere.
Since the ‘Vid (Covid-19, caused by SARS-CoV-2) raced across the world and ravaged populations of older people, our attentions have been directed toward the transmission of germs — viruses and bacteria — how they get into our bodies, and methods to prevent that, including killing them.
We are told by the Center for Disease Control we should wash our hands after the following:
Before, during, and after preparing food
Before and after eating food
Before and after caring for someone at home who is sick with vomiting or diarrhea
Before and after treating a cut or wound
After using the toilet
After changing diapers or cleaning up a child who has used the toilet
After blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing
After touching an animal, animal feed, or animal waste
After handling pet food or pet treats
After touching garbage
A very comprehensive list, before AND after being included. Of particular note is the cautionary mention of “pet food or pet treats,” because if the stuff we feed our pets, some people consider their fur babies, is contaminated, why the F are we giving it to them? But I digress.
One writer suggested a handful of other actions or events after which one should wash their hands, these being of a more cynical nature, and certainly not for the faint of heart, or any other vital organ. WARNING: Not Safe For Workplace content below…
You should wash hands…
• After picking your nose
• After gutting raccoons, rabbits, possums, squirrels, foxes, and coyotes
• After changing the oil in your car
• After using a touch-screen voting machine to vote for a Republican, Democrat, or Green Party candidate – Libertarian is not mentioned
• After committing a drive-by shooting
• Before delivering babies in a crowded BART car
Well, we can stop at this point, lest we become exposed to prosecution for aiding and abetting a person or persons in the commission of a felony, yikes!
Inquiring minds want to know, how clean is clean?
How clean are the buttons we touch in an elevator? How about that doorknob? The handle of the shopping cart? And then there are the actual grocery store products we handle, purchase, and eat - how clean are they? An orange is usually peeled before eating, but what if you transfer evil, gross, disgusting, and infectious bacteria from the peel onto the orange segments you put in your mouth? This is where who were previously ridiculed as germs phobic, like the character in eponymously named TV show Monk, teach us how to survive with the new reality of bacteria and viruses.
Wash your produce if it has an impermeable skin, such as tomatoes, oranges, potatoes, limes, cucumbers, apples, and so on. Do not wash mushroom per se, rather dampen a folded paper towel and wipe the mushrooms on the surface. Things like cilantro, parsley, other leafy stuff is a pain to dry off, so I say, “take a walk on the wild side” with these. Green beans, avocadoes, zucchini, grapes, cherries, peaches, etc; wash ‘em up. Produce wash solutions are sold, but I like to dab a tiny bit of dish soap on my hands and then gently rub my (previously scrubbed) fingers all over the curves of the round, ripe fruit, thereby cleansing them of all sins microbial. Then comes an invigorating rinse, before a restful repose on a bed of paper towels.
Back to doorknobs. Many of the public restrooms now reflect our evolving concern (or irrational fears – ok, paranoia) over that doorknob thingy. I learned I am not alone in the practice of drying my hands and then using the damp towel sections to avoid touching the metal that is so obviously contaminated with Ebola bugs. Then, in many cases, people Steph Curry-ed the damp bundle toward the waste receptacle. Sometimes it made it. Often, e.g., more likely, the crumpled, damp paper towel landed near the trashcan. Not good enough, but how could we be expected to go back and pick up that paper towel and then stuff it in the proper spot? Not from that floor.
So, smart people – managers, custodians, CEOs, whomever, began placing trashcans near the door, and in the case of one retail establishment, there is a metal door handle for your foot, at the bottom of the door. What is it, since it’s not a handle, not a hand-le? A footle? Microsoft Word give footle the red underline of death telling me that footle is not a word.
Someone I love dearly chastises me if I exit the downstairs bathroom in our home and head for the kitchen to wash my hands after going number one. Said person describes that practice as impolite. But, I argue, many men are able to urinate without touching the part of the anatomy with which we “go.” That reminds me of the joke about an airman and a sailor at a urinal. The Navy man finishes first and is washing his hands, as the Air Force dude completes the task and is heading out the door.
“Hey, airman! In the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate.”
To which the airman replies, “In the Air Force they teach us how not to urinate without pissing all over our hands.”
I realize that there is an abundance of research into this topic, but it’s above my pay grade at this time to google it all. Maybe one of you will take the initiative and find these papers, then send me the URL.
In the meantime, place yourself in this scenario:
You’re sitting at an outdoor table of a nice restaurant in a downtown location, when you see an acquaintance approaching on foot. As they are walking on the sidewalk, you notice them quickly pick something out of their mouth – a piece of something – and wipe their hand on their clothing. Then they arrive where you sit, just as you have been served your meal, a hamburger. You stand to chat with them, and they extend their hand to shake yours. What do you do?
A) Shake hands and eat your hamburger anyway
B) Shake hands and then wash them after your acquaintance has departed
C) Proffer a closed fist to do the “bro bump”
D) Pick a booger out of your nose, and then go to shake hands, thereby teaching that S. O. B. a thing or two
NEXT UP: How disgustingly filthy is that dishtowel?
Great article! So true. Our present situation has become paranoid about germs. I wonder how we ever survived as children being raised in the 50's and 60's. Perhaps it was something everyone has forgotten about called a "natural immune system?" I hear it works very well when it isn't manipulated.